Monday, July 28, 2014

Am I Happy?

Am I A Happy Person Now?
For good portion of my life I have felt a lot of self doubt and low self esteem. Was it derived from being bullied or did I inherit the natural tendency to be depressed from my parents?  Was it something I learned or something that I let happen? Was I chemically imbalanced?
I think it was a little bit of all of those things. When the teacher asked what we wanted to be when we grew up, all I could think was I wanted to be happy. As I was naturally inclined to be cynical, it was a tough row to hoe. It is hard to see the silver lining when all you can think about is how dark and depressing things are.
I relegated myself to be the "fat funny friend." People tend to like me because I say things out loud that people normally only think to themselves. I deal with my insecurities by making jokes and being ridiculous to get attention. Since I have a strong penchant for sarcasm and no filter, sometimes people find me funny, but rarely take me seriously. I don't even take myself seriously. I get the laughs and then go home and feel depressed because it didn't mean anything, there was no lasting happiness to that kind of attention.
Gradually over the years I have stopped seeing things that way. I am still plenty of ridiculous but it is not the only value I have to offer. Through a lot of prayer, conference talks, trials, and a few self-help books I have become better. I have become aware that I am in charge of how I feel. I decide if I want to feel crummy. I decide to be friendly or nice or even happy no matter what the circumstances are. I am not perfect at this by far, not even great at it, I am just better at it than I used to be.
It is amazing how losing just about everything can make you a much happier person. You never quite believe it until it happens to you. That is, if you learn from it instead of letting it make you get more depressed. A few year back I lost my friends, my health, my car, my job, and almost my house. It is a slow process to build it all back up but it sure taught me a great lesson. Some things are really just not that important. Stuff is just stuff. Being able to walk or grow hair or even just use the bathroom by yourself are miracles! I have an eternal family that loves me very much. I have great lifelong friends who will always stand by my side. I am beautiful and smart and strong. I am so strong. I can do hard things!
My value is not defined by whether or not someone wants to marry me! This is what the world or even sometimes the church pressures you into thinking. IT IS NOT TRUE. Yes, it would be great to find a best friend to share a life and a family with, but it is not an indicator of my personal value. Whew! I said it!
Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. He wants us to have the righteous desires of our hearts. We have to decide that we want them too. We have to work and be patient and pray for the things we want. It takes faith. A LOT OF FAITH, but we can have it. I truly believe this.
Here is a list of a few of the mantras, sayings, or ideas I have heard over the years that have helped me, (mind you I am still working on following them!):
I can do hard things!
There is no failure there is only feedback.
Only think of and visualize the things you want, not the things you don't want. The ideas and thoughts you put out into the world come back to you. Instead of saying "I want to get out of debt" say " I am financially free!"
If you tell yourself that you are fat and ugly and worthless than you are going to believe it and so are other people.
Nobody wants to be with someone who complains all the time, it doesn't matter if you are a good person at heart.
Confidence is beautiful.
It is a complete and utter waste of time to worry about things you can't control.
Only you get to decide how you feel.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Fermented Walnut Husks

I am loving spring.  I am spending time in the garden slowly reclaiming my space from the weeds. I'm not overwhelming myself and I am enjoying the process instead of getting discouraged.  I am not the girl I used to be.

I have been doing really well and feeling awesome.  My one year anniversary of getting out of the hospital was last weekend.  It feels so good to be happy.  I thought it would be a good idea to throw a huge dance party and go to Silverwood in one day.  Alas,  fate got that idea out of my head.  For the first time in forever, I got sick.  Hives,  cold-like symptoms,  sore throat, the works.  I'm probably being a lot more dramatic about it than I should be,  but after being diagnosed with lupus I get a lot more worried about being sick.

However, I've been downing the Emergen-C and getting lots of rest and I'm doing much better today.  I took a nap and felt energized.  Enough to make me do some chores I've been putting off, gesso a piece of cardboard and start the fermentation process of some Walnut husks.

In about three weeks I'll boil the fermented mixture and strain it to create a brown dye. I've onion skins to one batch to see the difference that makes. I'm excited to see how it works out.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Blueberry Dark Chocolate Muffins

Packed with lots of great for you stuff, these are hard to resist!

1c Whole Wheat Flour
2c White Flour
1/4 c Ground Almond Meal
1/4 c Ground Flax
1/3 c Sugar
1/3 c Brown Sugar
4 tsp Baking Powder
1 tsp Salt
2 Beaten Eggs
1 1/2 c Milk
1/2 Oil
1 tsp Vanilla
1 c Frozen  Blueberries
1 c Dark Chocolate Chips

Whisk together dry ingredients. Whisk together wet ingredients.  Mix gently together.  Fold in blueberries and chocolate chips. Bake at 400 degree oven for 18-20 minutes. Makes about 24.

I like to make jumbo muffins which I cook at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

2014 goals and resolutions

-replace Facebook time with; journaling, photography, blogging, drawing, reflecting, studying, writing, and reaching out

-write a book about what to do with your life now that you are thirty and not married.

-write and stick to a budget.

-use your degree, on your terms.

-set up your studio: make and worry about relevancy later.

-hike to waterfalls.

-Make and eat less goodies.

-express love more often

-experiment upon the word.

-acquire something you need to express to the world

-express it.

-travel the world via books, Netflix,  and movies.

-forgive yourself for being rude and alone.

Monday, October 21, 2013


The blueberries and peaches needed to be eaten.
In the form of a pie.
I agree three pieces was a bit much.
Why do I try to be smart, my mouth included?
Sitting, waiting, stewing, pie eating.
So I went for a run.
Okay not a run.
Walking briskly with intent.
Until it is got to me, ever since I fell I've been afraid of running.
Not to be defeated I gave it a try.
Fat jiggling,  feet hurting, then I remembered I wasn't wearing a bra.
I got sick and threw up.
What if I was that girl who kisses strangers waiting for the bus?
How do things like that even happen?
Still he doesn't call.
Still things are awkward.
Why do I have to like people at all?

Thursday, June 27, 2013


So, because of my Lupus, my hair has been falling out if droves. It reaches a certain point when you just have to embrace it and realize you aren't fooling anybody. So I decided to have a bit of fun with it. I called my friend over and we had a head shaving party. Not quite ready to shave the whole thing, we left the top a little longer. I also decided to go blonde so it would blend in with my scalp a little better.




Half Way:


Final Result:  

I kinda love it.  

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Southwest chicken salad

Super yummy as wraps or a dip, maybe even add some pasta. ..

2 cooked shredded chicken breast
1 can corn
1 can black beans,  drained & rinsed
1 bell pepper,  chopped
1 bunch green onions,  chopped
1 tomato,  chopped
1 avocado,  chopped
Mix and add:
8 oz. Sour Cream
1/4 tsp. Cumin
1/2 tsp. Garlic powder
1/2 tsp. Onion powder
Salt and pepper
1 tbl. Cilantro,  minced
1/2 lime juice
Stir well and marinate in fridge for a while
I served mine with peach salsa.